Last night as I was falling to sleep, I heard the words “Assertiveness is awesome” whispered to me in my sleep. I immediately woke up and grabbed my Blackberry and put it on my timeline on Facebook as a Post. I thought….why not look up the term “assertiveness” in the dictionary to make sure of the meaning. What I found was outstanding.ย
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adjective
havingย or showing a confident and forceful personality:ย patients should be moreย assertiveย with their doctors.
DERIVATIVES
assertivelyย adverb,
assertivenessย noun
a form of behavior characterizedย byย a confident declaration orย affirmation of a statement without need of proof; this affirms the person’sย rights orย point of viewย without either aggressively threatening the rightsย ofย anotherย (assuming a position of dominance) or submissively permittingย another to ignore or deny one’s rights or point of view.[1]
During the second half of the 20th century,ย assertivenessย was increasingly singledย out as a behavioralย skillย taughtย by manyย personal developmentย experts,ย behaviorย therapists, andย cognitive behavioral therapists. Assertiveness is often linked toย self-esteem. The term and concept was popularized to the general public byย books such asย Your Perfect Right: A Guide to Assertive Behaviorย (1970) by Robert E.ย Alberti, andWhen I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How To Cope Using the Skills of Systematicย Assertiveness Therapyย (1975) by Manuel J. Smith.
ย The goals of assertiveness training include:[4]
As a communication style and strategy, assertiveness is thus distinguished fromย both aggression andย passivity. How people deal withย personal boundaries, theirย own and those of other people, helps to distinguish between these threeย concepts. Passive communicators do not defend their own personal boundariesย and thus allow aggressive people toย abuseย orย manipulateย them through fear.ย Passive communicators are also typically not likely to risk trying to influenceย anyone else. Aggressive people do notย respectย the personal boundaries of othersย and thus are liable to harm others while trying to influence them. A personย communicates assertively by overcoming fear of speaking his or her mind orย trying to influence others, but doing so in a way that respects the personalย boundaries of others. Assertive people are also willing to defend themselvesย against aggressive people.
Communication
Assertive communication involves respect for the boundaries of oneself andย others. It also presumes an interest in the fulfillment of needs and wants throughย cooperation.[5]
According to the textbookย Cognitive Behavior Therapyย (2008), “Assertiveย communication of personal opinions, needs, and boundaries has been …ย conceptualized as the behavioral middle ground, lying between ineffectiveย passive and aggressive responses”.[6]ย Such communication “emphasizesย expressing feelings forthrightly, but in a way that will not spiral intoย aggression”.[7]
If others’ actions threaten one’s boundaries, one communicates this to preventย escalation.[8]
In contrast, “aggressive communication” judges, threatens, lies, breaksย confidences, stonewalls, and violates others’ boundaries.
At the opposite end of the dialectic is “passive communication”. Victims mayย passively permit others to violate their boundaries. At a later time, they mayย come back and attack with a sense of impunity or righteous indignation.
Assertive communication attempts to transcend these extremes by appealing toย the shared interest of all parties; it “focuses on the issue, not the person”.[9]ย Aggressive and/or passive communication, on the other hand, may mark aย relationship’s end,[10]ย and reduce self-respect.
Assertive people
Assertive people tend to have the following characteristics:[citation needed]
Techniques
Fogging
Fogging[14]ย consists of finding some limited truth to agree with in what anย antagonist is saying. More specifically, one canย agree in partย orย agree in principle.
Negative inquiry
Negative inquiry[14]ย consists of requesting further, more specific criticism.
Negative assertion
Negative assertion[14]ย is agreement with criticism without letting up demand.
I-statements
I-statementsย can be used to voice one’s feelings and wishes from a personalย position without expressing a judgment about the other person or blaming one’sย feelings on them.
Criticism
Some authors stress that assertiveness is not always practiced in a balanced way,ย especially by those new to the process: “[One] problem with the concept ofย assertiveness is that it is both complex and situation-specific. … Behaviors that areย assertive in one circumstance may not be so in another”.[19]ย More particularly,ย while “unassertiveness courts one set of problems, over-assertiveness createsย another.”[20]ย Assertiveness manuals recognize that “many people, when tryingย out assertive behaviour for the first time, find that they go too far and becomeย aggressive.”[21]
Also, in the late 1970s and early 1980s, in the heyday of assertiveness training,ย sometimes so-called assertiveness training techniques were distorted, and “peopleย were told to do some pretty obnoxious things in the name of assertiveness. Likeย blankly repeating some request over and over until you got your way”.[22]ย Divorced from respect for the rights of others, so-called assertiveness techniquesย could be psychological tools that might be readily abused: The line betweenย repeatedly demanding with sanctions (“broken record”) versus coerciveย nagging,ย emotional blackmail, orย bullying, could be a fine one, and the caricature ofย assertiveness training as “training in how to get your own way … or how toย become as aggressive as the next person”[23]ย was perpetuated.
Blessings!