Being a repetitive foster child hurts.

It is so strange growing up as a person who bounced around from different homes not really being able to have a solid foundation anywhere. People don’t understand what it’s like. We smile and yet deep inside we long just to have somebody hug us or love us enough to care about our well-being and our future. You really don’t have that favorite grandma with the old Chenille blanket that she used to wrap you in.  And you never really got hold of that favorite recipe that the families covet so much. No one feels that you deserve having it. You usually do not get a favorite bed or a favorite bicycle for Christmas. And if you got a doll it was very cheap and basic most of the time. You’re not sure of which family reunion to go to because you really never felt like you were a major part of the family in the first place. In all of the neighborhoods that you lived in everyone was best friends and had backgrounds with one another the guess who didn’t? You.

You traveled around to so many schools and you’re not really sure which one that you should claim for graduation actually. While online you see various faces of people that you went to school with but you can’t remember what school you knew them from.

People have family traditions, pictures, recipes, reunions, holidays, but deep inside you really don’t feel like you fit in. The only picture that everyone has of you is the silly picture of when you had to go to your prom with the garbage man because no one else was allowed to go with you because you were the street girl. And in all actuality some of them let you know that you don’t fit in. If you are a male you’re always called “the wild one” and if you’re a female you will always be labeled as “the street girl.” No one wants their sons to take you to the prom because you are the street kid.

You would wish that you could smell your mother’s chicken frying in the kitchen with the sweet smell of your grandfather’s cherry pipe tobacco in the living room. You were never allowed to take free piano lessons from the old lady on the way home from school because whoever you were living with (at that particular time) may have thought that you’re going to meet boys or girls secretly after school. Therefore you grew up with a missing talent that could have made you a lot of money.

Throughout the years you’ve loved many people looking for love in all the wrong places and you may have even had children. Although you may be a good mother or good father the problem is you’re not use of hugging therefore your children didn’t get many hugs but they lived through it. You realize this and it makes you feel bad that you’re older now and it is too late to start all over again and try to do it better. You’re asking God to forgive you for being such a quiet, stand-offish person knowing that you could have been better throughout the years but you weren’t.

You took up for so many underdogs while you were growing up that you really don’t know who you are, whose you are or why you even exist. And by the way the underdogs even forgot you and they don’t even want to be bothered with you anymore. Their families didn’t like them hanging with you.  Once again you’re the bad guy. If it wasn’t for your downline, meaning your family, you wouldn’t have anybody who truly cares. When someone tries to act like they care you don’t trust them you have a trust issue because there were times when you tried to reach out and trust people and they bit you like a snake only to repeat every word that you said and then some.

If any of you reading this had this problem as well I pray that you see that you are the king’s kid you are no longer the underdog. Wait on the Lord and trust him because he is your deliverer. God bless you for going through everything that you went through. and bless God for being alive today.

Thank you for reading this. Essie.

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